I don’t know why. I want to scream, rave, rant, and fucking curse. It just doesn’t feel fair. i’m not over things yet. I was at the club and while I’m not really the mingling type. I was almost totally anti-social, which is no surprise I’m almost always like that at clubs. I just sat at the electronic games and put in a few dollars. After about 45 minutes i got up and started walking around. It got worse, i started feeling resentment to the couples and the friends having a good time. I realized i can truly count the number of times on two hands i’ve actually had fun at a club. Today i clicked on a link to one of my comments and i saw a picture of the girl who commented. I had been thinking on writing her personally but she looks so much like Stacey in someways…I couldn’t bring myself to make a comment. I still can’t. I thought about her when i was at the club and how i’ve seen two other girls that look like Stacey over the last few weeks and how at the club i sometimes look for Sara to show up and i just became so miserable that I left. I was almost in tears.
Why am i not over this yet? A part of me feels i don’t have time to be miserable. I’m 30 years old i have to move on and find my life again, but i can’t. Its not fucking fair! goddamnit why can’t i move on? I want to go away for a while, but i can’t. I don’t have the time on my job to run away either. Its like one big fucking joke you know…
Some days i fucking hate my life and myself.