Early this morning I told Tosha that I love her. She completely dismissed what I said, claiming that I had said this before and that my feelings weren’t real. She said I was just feeling this way because we were so close. And that she knew this because she knew me. A part wanted grab her and shake her shitless. Another part of me wanted to hit her for degrading my feelings like that.
But i said what I wanted to say. I didn’t expect much. But i felt i needed to say what i was feeling before i said good-bye. I don’t know why I feel like I’m saying good-bye at the moment…but I do. Maybe it’s time. Maybe it’s time to let go of a lot of the things I’ve been clinging to. Even these friendships. I just don’t know any more and I’m so confused in some ways.
Tosha was supposed to call me so she could go pick up this new car of her’s, but she never did. I was tossing and turning in my bed this morning thinking about everything. Wondering why she didn’t call or if she would. I don’t think she will. I may never speak to her again. I don’t if I can just keep hanging around her feeling the way I do right now. Tosha and I both acting like we don’t feel anything for one another, that we’re just friends, and nothing more.
My feelings are all jumbled. I’m glad I told her how i feel but i feel like i ruined our friendship. I feel like I’m a coward for running away from it all. but i keep getting the feeling that I need to do this. I need to let her go. Maybe i need to let Micheal go too.
Then again maybe Tosha doesn’t love me, maybe we truly are just friends to her. I guess that’s o.k.. I can live with it. Even though it fucking hurts like Hell. But I’m rambling now, I promised myself i wouldn’t ramble on and i wouldn’t overanaylze this whole thing. It’s time to go.