Picture angst.

As i was updating the blog and trying to make it better looking, i decided to look up some images for the headers.  I wanted to post a well done nude of a black woman for the naturist page.  I figured it would be simple, no fuss, no muss.  Boy was i wrong.  I spent more then a total of ten hours over a three day period trying to find one decent picture and i couldn’t find one.  I finally settled on the picture you see on the page now but that was all i could find.

I have come to the conclusion that nude blackness is not accepted nor is it seen as popular or interesting in the art world.  I found a few pics of semi nude black men but they all seemed to be of a urban variety and it quickly became obvious that almost no one was going to go below the waist with any of the black males.  I have to laugh at something so pathetic.  Are we that scared of the penis of a black male.  Is his girth and length so massive and impressive that we can’t look at the art in the picture without looking at his genitals and feeling inadequate or feeling a sense of awe at how “big” a black male is between the legs?  I really wanna yell “GET OVER IT!!!  ITS A PENIS, NOT A DEITY!”

As a bisexual male I’ve seen a number of penises up close and personal and to be quite honest, while impressed in some cases the ultimate realization is that you really can’t enjoy a large penis.  Don’t let the porn fool you, it’s not very comfortable in the least.  You girls have no idea how lucky you are.  At least you can truly enjoy a large penis for all it’s worth.  On the plus side though this has encouraged me to post some pictures of male genitalia for the sake of art of course.

A mistake in mind…thankfully not in body as well.

So i went to the men’s club at the YMCA today and i met a guy there. He was pretty cool and I was even a little attracted to him. But i kept thinking i knew him from somewhere. I did. He is the son-in-law of my neighbor. One I have known for years. I’ve known them since i was a little kid and they trust me to look after their house when they are on vacation. I nearly shit myself when i realized who he was. And i felt tremendous guilt over it. Call it what you may but i almost hit on my neighbor’s son-in-law. A trust that should never be broken. I’m glad i didn’t hit on him. But what if he had hit on me? If i had known who he was i would have said no. There’s a matter of honor and trust in my mind that I could never break.

WilliamCA

Spending some time with my friend.

I have to admit the reasons were a little more personal and selfish, then just wanting to see my friend Mike again. *sigh* Back when i was younger I had a serious crush on my friend Mike. He knew i was bisexual but still accepted me as his best friend. We played around a few times over the years and I was very happy about it. I think i sort of fell in love with Micheal over time but nothing ever came of it. It was such a stupid dream. Mike had been a drug addict, he has no education, and he isn’t very bright. It was the main reason I never truly pushed for a relationship. He was mostly straight and i knew it would never work. Not with all the problems i knew the future might hold for us. I knew i wanted to settle down one day and have kids. There would be no way i could do that with Micheal. I love the man but…well he’s basically a dim-bulb. The years of drug use when he was a teen has basically fried his brain and now, while he has been clean and sober for more the 8 years…well like i said he ain’t much.

We’ve remained close throughout 2o years of friendship and there is nothing i wouldn’t do for him, and he for me. Even though he is now married and his priorities have changed quite a bit. He has a son now, and i can’t stand his wife. I won’t mention her name but she and i clash mainly because of our personalities. But also how she treats Micheal. I still remember that day more then 10 years ago when he told me he had been suddenly kissed by some guy in a restroom in Sears. The details were so vivid. I thought maybe it was a sign. We came pretty close that night but he chickened out and i backed off. two years later i asked him about that night and he admitted to me that he had been high as a kite, and the so-called kiss had been nothing more then a drug-induced hallucination. He still doesn’t know, or understand, how much that hurt. Memories are truly precious things, and to know it was because he was on drugs totally ruins it all in some way. A few days ago i was in the shower and i was once again at a point where i was ready to move on from the depression and misery. Start a new life and start dating again. But something started bothering me. So i went to Micheal to get the answers i needed. I felt I couldn’t move on without them.

We went to a local bar & restaurant, where we chatted it up for about a hour before i plucked up enough courage to ask him my question. I asked him if he had been on drugs during the times we had been intimate, and told him to be truthful. He admitted he had been on drugs every time except for one. Ecstasy. Although through much of those times he had claimed he was clean and sober. I asked why he had fucking lied about that. He said it wasn’t all that serious, that Ecstasy had really helped him when we had been together. I told him he was full of shit, and i hinted his performance had always been lackluster in that department. I asked him if he had been on drugs when we had a threesome with Stacey. He said yes. I was pissed and hurt, but it quickly passed. There was no use in being angry. He asked me if i was truly upset with him. I told him i had been for a moment, but i had actually pushed all those liaisons so I got what i asked for. Shitty sex with my best friend who was a crack addict. But i still told him the fact that he had fucked Stacey when he was on drugs had pissed me off.

I told him the memories were still precious to me, although they were now somewhat tainted. We still ended up laughing about it all. I have to admit, a part of me hurts but I’m glad i know the whole truth now. Did it help me move on? I don’t know. Maybe i don’t care. Maybe God is just giving me my just desserts or something. Payment for my sins and all. *sigh*

But i guess…thats life, filled with beautiful memories and disappointments…

WilliamCA

Comfort Zone with God

I have a friend who has chosen the lesbian lifestyle. And i mean that literally. Over the last two years she has developed a strong faith. And i have to admit i was impressed by it. I even felt bad because i came to realize that my faith seemed a little short compared to the strength of her faith. Now as you know I’m a admitted bisexual. And yes I DO KNOW HOW GOD FEELS ABOUT ALTERNATIVE SEXUALITY. I have accepted that fact, and all that comes with. All i can say is, “I am not perfect.” There’s no need to write about how i can be saved and such. I know the deal, believe me.

But what i want to post about is a sort of shocking revelation that i received a few weeks ago when my friend Tosha and I were talking about a number of things that had happened in my life recently. Airing a lot of feelings out for myself. One thing Tosha told me was that she had always felt that Sara and I were not truly compatible. And that i was willing to sacrifice/risk a lot just to be with her, even marry her. Tosha said that was one of the things that disturbed her about our relationship, that i seemed willing to cast aside some of my more serious beliefs about what i wanted in a wife in order to be with Sara. One of those things was my conviction about my faith. I had went to Sara’s church one Sunday, which is a Unitarian Universalism Church. Tosha was surprised that I had even went. Even she thinks the UUC is a cult. We talked and laughed about it for a little while. And she wondered where someone would get the idea to come up with such a religion and how anyone could follow it. I told her that a lot of people want God on their terms, and are willing to lie to themselves and believe that God is this or that. Or they pick and choose things from the Bible that back up their feelings or their deeds in life and ignore the rest, and use those Scriptures that they pick and choose as the basis to back up their faith when they are challenged.

I quoted a few scriptures that i knew by heart and a few other that i didn’t know too well. And Tosha said she didn’t know most of them. I rattled off a few more and Tosha once again said she didn’t know any of them, hadn’t even heard of them. Now Tosha used to be a church goer, and she on more then one occasion had said these words, “you know in the Bible”. But by the time i was done she had admitted that she had barely even read ANY of the Bible, and what little she had read, she didn’t remember. I was shocked into silence for a moment, i couldn’t think of anything to say.

When i finally reclaimed my voice i realized that Tosha hadn’t truly read anything in the Bible. Now I’m no Biblical scholar, but i know more then the first few lines in Genesis and the book of Revelations, which is all that Tosha knows via paraphrase. Tosha then decided that she wanted to change the topic of the discussion since her girlfriend Casey had come in and sat down beside her. I asked Casey right then and there what she knew of the Bible and her answer, which is typical of her was, “Well uh, i don’t know. (typical) I never really read the Bible either. Now Casey, I understand her ignorance, she is 19 yrs old and I can tell she is not the world’s brightest bulb. I don’t think she’s a fool or anything, but she speaks very little and adds almost nothing.

But Tosha is supposed to have some college education, and have a strong faith, but in the end she is just like those people we were joking about. Having a strong faith but nothing to back it up is very, very bad. And the reason for Tosha’s lack of knowledge was plain and simple. She doesn’t want to face the truth of the choices she has made. I said this much to both of them.

Tosha has her own “Comfort Zone with God.” And in her comfort zone with God, she prays for God, has a strong faith in God, God helps her, and loves her. But she doesn’t have to face her sins either. In fact in her comfort zone her lifestyle probably isn’t very sinful and God is just gonna help her out and she can love him. I don’t know what to think about it, other then i know its wrong. What can or should I say? I’ve decided not to say anything any more. I think she has made it clear that she doesn’t want to deal with it at them moment.

WilliamCA