Yeah i know its a cliche title. But it is what it is. (I hate that expression, it seems like more of an excuse then anything else.) I’ve been thinking of writing this letter for months now. The letter is actually to Stacey’s mother, Thelma. I haven’t heard from Thelma or Jamie since New Year’s and i have tried to call them both. Jamie, Stacey’s brother, never returns my calls or messages, and Thelma’s phone seems to be disconnected. So, i called one last time, and then wrote the letter to her. Well what prompted this was meeting Sarah today. I think meeting her helped me move on and have the guts to write the letter, or at least remind me to do so. But i need to move on and let go. If i never recieve an answer, then i guess that will be my answer. No matter what happens though I’ll cross that bridge when i come to it. That’s all I can do for now.
I met a man of the Death Watch the other day,
He told me it was his ministry.
To each hospital he goes to pray,
To watch over the living and dying every day.
What more to this can i say, other then for this man’s continued health and strength, i do for pray,
For when i first met him that other day, to his niece’s side, for the death watch he was going.
Because she would never see the sunrise of the next day.
I felt like doing a bit of poetry. I met Rev. Lee on Monday as i was doing my paper route. He told me his story and i was moved. It also made me feel bad because i had had a hard time facing my grandmothers death. She died of Alzheimer’s disease. But while i don’t envy this man’s ministry, i do envy his strength. i don’t think I’d have to heart to do what he does.
So what’s been going on since Nov. 11? I’ve been drinking like a fish and wallowing in my own misery. I had no idea what grieving and feeling sorry for myself could goad me into doing. When Sarah broke up with me I started drinking so I could feel something. I’ve always had this problem with feeling things in any sense or form. I’ve only been to one funeral where i can remember actually, truly feeling grief that the person was dead. And that was my Uncle Pete. Stacey was the first person i ever seriously mourned, and it hit me so hard. Especially after having found out a number of things that blew me away. A number of facts that made me realize that Stacey may have been lying to me for at least a year. It all hurt a lot. And i was drinking trying to help myself sort things out, and deal with my own anger. I realize now what i really need to do is go back to church. I’ve pulled away from the drinking and misery seeking so i can look upon things alot better. And hopefully i can start going ot church again soon.
i haven’t written in over two weeks now. i have to admit i have been in mourning, depression, and a lot of anger at God, the world, and even myself. I had no idea grief and mourning felt this way. I realize I’ve never truly mourned anyone’s passing before. Not even close family members. It feels like its so hard to write now. A part of me doesn’t want to look at this blog because i feel it will dredge up bad memories. but i realize i have to have the courage to start moving on. From Stacey and from Sarah.
Unfortunately i am also suffering from carpal tunnel syndrome. This has made long periods of writing, and even some short periods, next to impossible due to a lot of pain. But I’ll find a way to write because i really need to get back to living again. And writing here definitely helps me. Right now though i am physically tired for some reason. So i feel like laying down and taking a nap more then anything else at the moment. I will probably do just that after i finish this post. And yes i will say something about what happened. Maybe. I strongly stress the word MAYBE now because it depends on how i feel about having that on the blog to remind me of what happened.
*sigh* I hope i can do this. Tomorrow i go to see Stacey’s grave. Why am i still holding on to the stupid thought that she may somehow still be alive? I’m such a fool. I don’t know if i can do this.
I want to thank Nakedthoughts for her condolences through all this. The really sad thing is she was the “One” for me. She was interested in nudism too. Tomorrow i go to meet her mother and brother again. I think i’m going through that denial stage. I keep finding my mind wandering to these pathetic fantasies that when i get there Stacey will suddenly reveal herself and I’ll discover it some kind of crazy plan like witness protection or something. But i know that won’t happen. At least i keep telling myself that.
I thought we had more time…I thought i had more time. That what you say when someone you were in love with dies. I dated Stacey Isaac for 10 years. from 18 on up to 28. On and off, on and off. and now just 20 minutes ago i find out she died back in April or May. A heart attack…can you goddamn believe it. She was 31, no one fucking dies at 31 of a heart attack. Her mother is still grieving and so is her brother. I think i’m in shock…I don’t know any more.
I kept thinking everything was fine. Sure she hadn’t spoken to me in over 4 months but it was o.k.. She was busy with a singing career in Europe. Everything was fine, wasn’t it? I’m trapped between misery, relief, and grief at the moment. A part of me is happy because now i’m totally free emotionally. I don’t have to wonder any more. I don’t have to continue to love her and have a small hope that maybe, one day, we’ll be together again. I can finally move on. I wanted to move on but…God not like this! I still had all those young, stupid hopes and dreams that we’d marry and I’d make her happy. Now in a few days or so…I’ll be visiting her grave with her mother and her younger brother. Her family tried to contact me but they didn’t have a number or address. I missed her funeral, i missed saying hello and good-bye. Everything, i missed out on everything. I loved her…I still do love her. What do i do now. I feel like i truly have to start over now and i don’t fucking want to. I don’t want to find another woman to love. I’m just so tired now. I just don’t know what to do. I feel like life has piled one more misery upon me. Like its got nothing else better to do.
I love you Stacey Isaac.