Well i made it through another Easter. I went to church and really enjoyed myself. Spent time with family, and enjoyed myself. A good day all around. Now I’m sitting up here listening to “You Make me Happy”. The ending theme to Fresh Pretty Cure, a anime I’m pretty sure I’ll never watch. LOL. Well I have to keep trying i have to find a way to make my life better each and every day!
I finally ended my friendship with Norma today. I got a lot of help deciding what i should do thanks to a preacher who lives just a few doors down from me. I’ve spoken to him before and it was just happenstance that i spoke to him again today. He told me that i need to walk away from her. That Norma was becoming toxic, and while my duty from God may be to help others during certain points in their life. I had done all i could for Norma. It was time to walk away and give her the boot. After all, anyone who will take a page out of the Bible and use it to smoke weed, is someone i don’t need to be around. One thing I’ve come to face with her is that she was the reason for my impotence. Her behavior and the stress of dealing with her was the cause of it all. Now i just hope i can move.
Oh who am I kidding I can and will move on. *sigh* I may just guilt trip for a few days or maybe a few weeks because of it all. *sigh*
YEAH! You will not believe the stroke of luck i had today Adriana called. Apparently my Dad had visited her father in order to sell him cable and guess what…she was there. So she called me and i went to see her. I immediately convinced her to do some nudes when i picked her up and brought her to my house so she could see where i live. The pictures look great! Especially in black and white. I am also finding ways to photo-manipulate the images so i can make them look a lot better! There is so much to do now and I have a a truly willing subject. I can’t wait to do another shoot soon. I just need to find the time and i should have plenty!!
I’ve decided to post a few of the photos i have done! Tell me what ya think!
I sat and thought about it all ever since she left. Three days ago she called me. I ignored the phone call at first, but i had a really bad feeling that something was wrong. I thought about her call the entire day. I tried convincing myself that she probably just wanted to chat. After all we had talked that day and she knew how i felt. But then i realized something. No matter what i would always be her friend. And maybe…just maybe, she needed me right now. And i was being selfish in some ways.
So at 6 p.m. I e-mailed her. She called me back almost immediately. She told me what was going on. She had been in tears because of some incident. I quietly cursed myself for my stupidity and selfishness. NEVER AGAIN! I will never do such a thing AGAIN. She had really needed me and i had pussied out.
I listened and advised, but most of all i listened. I let her get everything she needed off of her chest. I realize what a terrible person i have been. Yes…I won’t be visiting for perhaps a long time…but still I am her friend. And i find myself loving her as a friend now.
God has never abandoned me, even though right now i’m being a real asshole. And i claim tobe a Christian, but at that moment I realized just how wrong i had been. God is my friend and he hasn’t abandoned me, so why did i even contemplate abandoning Tasha? Because i was so hurt and i wanted…maybe i needed to walk away. But i can’t abandon her as a friend. After all i am one of the good guys!
On Saturday Tosha came by and spoke to me. She was visiting Casey’s family. I explained things and that was it. She told me she just wanted to love me as a friend and that we weren’t compatible. And i realize that she is right. Tosha is looking for some kind of bombastic stud who is not interested in settling down and will allow her to run about, to fail, and let her try. That’s nice, but men cannot live like that. I don’t feel like talking about anymore. *sigh* I may never speak to her again. Not because i am angry, but it still hurts a lot. And I know she understands . Oh and her name is spelled Tasha.
*sigh* I don’t fucking know any more. I’m sitting up here folding weeklies and i still haven’t stopped thinking about Tosha. It’s been 6 days now and at least once a day i think about what i have done. I’m scared she’ll call and ask whats up or why i haven’t left a paper on her door in days. But i get the feeling now that she knows what has happened, and maybe she’ll never call. Maybe she’ll just move on, and so will I…
I feel like fucking crying whenever i even think that. I keep wanting to say that this isn’t fair but i’m so tired of that. I know life isn’t fair. I know…
Early this morning I told Tosha that I love her. She completely dismissed what I said, claiming that I had said this before and that my feelings weren’t real. She said I was just feeling this way because we were so close. And that she knew this because she knew me. A part wanted grab her and shake her shitless. Another part of me wanted to hit her for degrading my feelings like that.
But i said what I wanted to say. I didn’t expect much. But i felt i needed to say what i was feeling before i said good-bye. I don’t know why I feel like I’m saying good-bye at the moment…but I do. Maybe it’s time. Maybe it’s time to let go of a lot of the things I’ve been clinging to. Even these friendships. I just don’t know any more and I’m so confused in some ways.
Tosha was supposed to call me so she could go pick up this new car of her’s, but she never did. I was tossing and turning in my bed this morning thinking about everything. Wondering why she didn’t call or if she would. I don’t think she will. I may never speak to her again. I don’t if I can just keep hanging around her feeling the way I do right now. Tosha and I both acting like we don’t feel anything for one another, that we’re just friends, and nothing more.
My feelings are all jumbled. I’m glad I told her how i feel but i feel like i ruined our friendship. I feel like I’m a coward for running away from it all. but i keep getting the feeling that I need to do this. I need to let her go. Maybe i need to let Micheal go too.
Then again maybe Tosha doesn’t love me, maybe we truly are just friends to her. I guess that’s o.k.. I can live with it. Even though it fucking hurts like Hell. But I’m rambling now, I promised myself i wouldn’t ramble on and i wouldn’t overanaylze this whole thing. It’s time to go.