wow….*sigh* Where to begin with it all. Well it started early this month. A friend of the family died, basically from old age. And i went to that funeral. I was kind of shaken by this funeral, even though i had known the end was coming. Her death still seemed to be at the wrong time, and now that i look back on it, a bad omen.
Two weeks later i got word from my parents that my cousin’s husband, my cousin-in-law was in the hospital and his condition was grim. He had apparently had a heart attack right after he had saved his wife and another cousin of mine from drowning at the beach. The hope was that he would pull through, but as my parents told me of some of the specifics of his condition, i had a really bad feeling that he wasn’t going to make it. Two days later, he died, and were going to the funeral three days later. The funeral was hard on a lot of my family. My cousin-in-law was only 40 years old, he was too young to pass away.
During the days in between my cousin-in-laws death and his funeral we received word that my aunt’s father had died suddenly. Quite literally he was to be buried the day after my cousin-in-law’s funeral. Suffice to say I was somewhat shaken by all this. Bad things come in threes, and three funerals in one month is something that is really bad.
It’s been four days since the last funeral, and i have to admit i am glad this is all over. Only one week left in this month, and i pray we can get through it without another death in my family.
I’ve been listening to this song a number of times since i burned it onto a CD. I haven’t had a song truly move me in a while but this song has done so. It kinda makes me angry that it moves me so much. But it does. It brings back a lot of good, sad memories. Its funny because the song fits the ending of Final Fantasy XII better then Rouge Galaxy. Which is where i thought i had it from. But i’ve been listening to it on and off all day today and it’s made me cry at least once. It brings back a lot of good memories with Stacey and even some with Sarah. *sigh*
I don’t know why. I want to scream, rave, rant, and fucking curse. It just doesn’t feel fair. i’m not over things yet. I was at the club and while I’m not really the mingling type. I was almost totally anti-social, which is no surprise I’m almost always like that at clubs. I just sat at the electronic games and put in a few dollars. After about 45 minutes i got up and started walking around. It got worse, i started feeling resentment to the couples and the friends having a good time. I realized i can truly count the number of times on two hands i’ve actually had fun at a club. Today i clicked on a link to one of my comments and i saw a picture of the girl who commented. I had been thinking on writing her personally but she looks so much like Stacey in someways…I couldn’t bring myself to make a comment. I still can’t. I thought about her when i was at the club and how i’ve seen two other girls that look like Stacey over the last few weeks and how at the club i sometimes look for Sara to show up and i just became so miserable that I left. I was almost in tears.
Why am i not over this yet? A part of me feels i don’t have time to be miserable. I’m 30 years old i have to move on and find my life again, but i can’t. Its not fucking fair! goddamnit why can’t i move on? I want to go away for a while, but i can’t. I don’t have the time on my job to run away either. Its like one big fucking joke you know…
Some days i fucking hate my life and myself.
*sigh* I hope i can do this. Tomorrow i go to see Stacey’s grave. Why am i still holding on to the stupid thought that she may somehow still be alive? I’m such a fool. I don’t know if i can do this.