Emotional Roller-coaster for Thanksgiving.

Well as the title states it was a hell of a ride for Thanksgiving and beyond.  A couple of days before Thanksgiving I traveled with my parents by car to Ohio to be with my brother’s family for Thanksgiving.  We stayed from Tuesday to Saturday, making it back around 5 pm Saturday.  I took all sorts of pictures and played with my baby nephew who has just begun walking over the last month.  He takes a few steps and then falls over.  Its a good laugh and we all cheer him on as he looks at us with a big grin on his face!

But on the day we left to go to Ohio i got a call around 4 Am from my friend Tasha.  Her ex-husband and father of her two children had died just a couple of hours before she called me.  I was trapped between staying in town to comfort her or go with my family.  As you can see from reading above, i decided to go with my family, i had already made the commitment.

On the way home i also realized that i had either a really bad cold or the flu because i felt like crap the whole way home.  Saturday night i had chills.  I managed to make it to the funeral on Sunday afternoon and back home.  The funeral was a somber affair, i won’t go into details about how Fred died, but suffice to say it was sad none the less.  After that for about 3 days more i was battling whatever i had until i felt better.  And during those three days i had cousins asking for rides and such, i was not in a good mood, but i made it through.  On Tuesday i went to the doctor to ask about the ASG and how long i was supposed to wear the thing.  The nurse couldn’t give me a straight answer.  Although she did suggest that i should wear it when i had a need to.  At that time i took that advice to mean i had to figure it out for myself, since she apparently could not or did not ask the doctor since he was not there.  So i decided not to wear the ASG anymore since i felt i didn’t need it.

That idea lasted all of 3 days when i began to feel some tenderness and soreness in my right testicle again.  So i have been wearing the ASG on and off.  The thing is so damned uncomfortable though, so i wear it sparingly.  I finally decided to order something better online, cost me a total of twelve bucks for one pair on Amazon.  Although to be honest some of the sexy stuff looks a lot more comfortable, I just feel too embarrassed to even order the stuff, let alone wear it.  After i have all my bills sorted out though i may order another pair.  Just to have two comfortable pairs instead of one.

Beyond that I have a appoint with the urologist on the 7th of January.  I wonder why i have to wait so long.

Around the Corner…

So earlier today I went to check on my parent’s place because they are out of town.  After checking on the house I was heading home and at the intersection i saw the Taco Bell and decided to stop and get a quick bite to eat.  Well that turned into something different.

I parked in the parking lot of Prime Sirloin, a buffet restaurant i used to work at.  Its been closed for at least eight years now and I suddenly felt a sense of nostalgia,  so i walked around the old restaurant and peeked into the widows and noted how the place still looked as it did when i worked there.  Feeling my nostalgia needs had been met, i walked over to the Taco Bell to get something to eat.  As i walked through the parking lot i saw a black man with three young kids.  A girl and two boys.  I’d say the kids were ages 4 to 6 at best.

When the father noticed me looking at him and his kids i smiled and asked him if all three kids were his.   A married man of any race with three kids feels so rare nowadays so i felt the need to ask him in order to start a conversation that i hoped would end quickly.  After he confirmed that all three kids were his, he asked me if i had any children  I told him that sadly i didn’t, i was 35 and didn’t see much hope that i would marry and have children due to my financial situation.

He told me not to give up and told how at 33 he got married and began having children later.  he told me he had been homeless and on drugs up until that point, but he had found God, and God had blessed him with a good marriage and three children.  He told me i could do the same but i had to first be patient with God.  He told me that God does everything in His own time and that i should be as patient with God as He is with me.  I realized that the man was right.  I hadn’t been patient with God and i needed to be.  If i believed that God would help me then all i had to do is wait.

We talked a little more and we both came to realize that to a certain extent God had set up this meeting so we could receive a blessing from it.  It made me realize that God is still working on me and is still quite patient.

A few months ago…

Well OK more like a month ago..or maybe two.  I came in here all bold as brass and declaring i was gonna kick ass and take names.  Then depression, lack of finances, and lack of drive because of those two things took hold.  I’ve been looking for job on and off.  Bidding my time, on and off.  And just being miserable.   But you know the old saying goes about how something reminds you of what you were supposed to be doing when you get distracted.  Yeah that happens a lot with me.  I’ve been reading a comic called Questionable Content since Sunday.  I’ve been playing catch up.  The whole damn comic is like a slightly cooler version of my life when i was in my twenties.  It depresses me and encourages me to get off my ass and do something.  *sigh*  One of the things i need to do is update and clean up this blog.  I need to find a theme so viewers can just look through the stuff with a click like they do with Naturism for People of Color.  The theme for that blog allows that.  Although now that i think about you can do something similar by clicking the tag cloud on this blog.  *sigh* i need to get a life and really look at this blog.

Sarah…or…well i just don’t have a catchy title o.k.!?

Well i met Sarah at her work today. I was in Boiling Springs to find a pillow for my bed. I argued with myself and decided to go ans see her. No need for details. Other then I said hello, we spoke for a few minutes and then i left. She told me she was moving to Texas to get away from Spartanburg and from Amanda, who she was dating on and off, but Sarah felt she was too possessive. Well I’m glad i met her again. I can finally close this chapter in my life and move on. I guess. *sigh* i don’t know how i feel any more. But i’m glad i saw her again. I guess I got some kind of closure out of it all.


Dreaming My Way Home…

I’ve been listening to this song a number of times since i burned it onto a CD. I haven’t had a song truly move me in a while but this song has done so. It kinda makes me angry that it moves me so much. But it does. It brings back a lot of good, sad memories. Its funny because the song fits the ending of Final Fantasy XII better then Rouge Galaxy. Which is where i thought i had it from. But i’ve been listening to it on and off all day today and it’s made me cry at least once. It brings back a lot of good memories with Stacey and even some with Sarah. *sigh*


Spending some time with my friend.

I have to admit the reasons were a little more personal and selfish, then just wanting to see my friend Mike again. *sigh* Back when i was younger I had a serious crush on my friend Mike. He knew i was bisexual but still accepted me as his best friend. We played around a few times over the years and I was very happy about it. I think i sort of fell in love with Micheal over time but nothing ever came of it. It was such a stupid dream. Mike had been a drug addict, he has no education, and he isn’t very bright. It was the main reason I never truly pushed for a relationship. He was mostly straight and i knew it would never work. Not with all the problems i knew the future might hold for us. I knew i wanted to settle down one day and have kids. There would be no way i could do that with Micheal. I love the man but…well he’s basically a dim-bulb. The years of drug use when he was a teen has basically fried his brain and now, while he has been clean and sober for more the 8 years…well like i said he ain’t much.

We’ve remained close throughout 2o years of friendship and there is nothing i wouldn’t do for him, and he for me. Even though he is now married and his priorities have changed quite a bit. He has a son now, and i can’t stand his wife. I won’t mention her name but she and i clash mainly because of our personalities. But also how she treats Micheal. I still remember that day more then 10 years ago when he told me he had been suddenly kissed by some guy in a restroom in Sears. The details were so vivid. I thought maybe it was a sign. We came pretty close that night but he chickened out and i backed off. two years later i asked him about that night and he admitted to me that he had been high as a kite, and the so-called kiss had been nothing more then a drug-induced hallucination. He still doesn’t know, or understand, how much that hurt. Memories are truly precious things, and to know it was because he was on drugs totally ruins it all in some way. A few days ago i was in the shower and i was once again at a point where i was ready to move on from the depression and misery. Start a new life and start dating again. But something started bothering me. So i went to Micheal to get the answers i needed. I felt I couldn’t move on without them.

We went to a local bar & restaurant, where we chatted it up for about a hour before i plucked up enough courage to ask him my question. I asked him if he had been on drugs during the times we had been intimate, and told him to be truthful. He admitted he had been on drugs every time except for one. Ecstasy. Although through much of those times he had claimed he was clean and sober. I asked why he had fucking lied about that. He said it wasn’t all that serious, that Ecstasy had really helped him when we had been together. I told him he was full of shit, and i hinted his performance had always been lackluster in that department. I asked him if he had been on drugs when we had a threesome with Stacey. He said yes. I was pissed and hurt, but it quickly passed. There was no use in being angry. He asked me if i was truly upset with him. I told him i had been for a moment, but i had actually pushed all those liaisons so I got what i asked for. Shitty sex with my best friend who was a crack addict. But i still told him the fact that he had fucked Stacey when he was on drugs had pissed me off.

I told him the memories were still precious to me, although they were now somewhat tainted. We still ended up laughing about it all. I have to admit, a part of me hurts but I’m glad i know the whole truth now. Did it help me move on? I don’t know. Maybe i don’t care. Maybe God is just giving me my just desserts or something. Payment for my sins and all. *sigh*

But i guess…thats life, filled with beautiful memories and disappointments…