I am singing the praises somewhat. O.k. I’m exaggerating, but i am happy because i finally got my tooth pulled. After 3 plus weeks of taking pain pills, two weeks of scrapping my tongue on that temporary filling, and basically just being fucking miserable; the tooth is gone!! And after 5 or so days i’ll be able to eat like a normal human being again. Well o.k. maybe not totally, without that back tooth, eating hard things may be kinda difficult. But it’s worth it, just to loose the pain and misery.

The surgery went great. They put me to sleep and it was so fast. All i remember is the I.V. going in and then I’d say three seconds later i was out like a light, and the next thing i remember was being rolled in a wheelchair to my mom’s car. I was disoriented but i knew where i was and i got into the car and my mom took me home. I slept for an hour or more and then woke up to my mom putting some soup on a tray beside my bed. I ate and drank as best i could, took the pain medication and dozed for a bit before deciding to listen to Rush Limbaugh. But I was still in some pain so i ended up taking one more pill. So at 8 p.m. tonight (30 minutes from now) I’ll take two more and hope that evens everything out. At least i can go back to work. That has been my biggest worry since last week since the dentist was telling me the anesthesia, or the pain medication would have me knocked on my ass for 24 hours. I was concerned that i would need a sub, but i wasn’t really prepared. So i decided to wing it any damn way! My gutsiness paid off because this operation was going to cost me $470 dollars, and a sub anywhere from 25 to 35 dollars a night. NO WAY!!!

I must admit to being slightly disoriented at times, like my thoughts are sort of jumbled, so I’d better be careful tonight. I just got back from getting some Cotton Candy Explosion ice cream at Bruster’s. It’s so strange. I didn’t feel dizzy, i just felt tired and sort of out of it for most of the drive. Well I’m going to bed. I need all the sleep I can get. But this may get ugly, because i need to take these pain pills every six hours. I just took two pills at 8 p.m., so now i wonder if I’m gonna wake up in a bitch of pain. So now i have to decide if i should wake up early to take some pills or just try to sleep through and take the pills when i finally wake up. Decisions, decisions. *sigh* Sometimes my life really sucks.


Whatever happened to

whatever happened to usenet is the question. I used to hang out in two groups on Usenet, and another one called Yeah, i know you’re thinking, agffh was a porn group, but all we ever actually did was discuss politics, life, death, and whether Tifa had bigger boobs then Beatrix. And after awhile we stopped discussing that too. The sonic group was a place where we discussed the American version of the Sonic comic. The constant drumbeat of the place was that the comic basically sucked. But people kept buying it, including me. I still think the comic is pretty great myself. I went back and checked on both groups a couple of days ago and then just yesterday. It seems both groups are totally dead save for a few posts from late 2007 and some weird spam. *sigh* i kinda miss those groups. I guess nostalgia and sentimentality are starting to creeping up on me again.


Tired and angry…

I don’t know why. I want to scream, rave, rant, and fucking curse. It just doesn’t feel fair. i’m not over things yet. I was at the club and while I’m not really the mingling type. I was almost totally anti-social, which is no surprise I’m almost always like that at clubs. I just sat at the electronic games and put in a few dollars. After about 45 minutes i got up and started walking around. It got worse, i started feeling resentment to the couples and the friends having a good time. I realized i can truly count the number of times on two hands i’ve actually had fun at a club. Today i clicked on a link to one of my comments and i saw a picture of the girl who commented. I had been thinking on writing her personally but she looks so much like Stacey in someways…I couldn’t bring myself to make a comment. I still can’t. I thought about her when i was at the club and how i’ve seen two other girls that look like Stacey over the last few weeks and how at the club i sometimes look for Sara to show up and i just became so miserable that I left. I was almost in tears.

Why am i not over this yet? A part of me feels i don’t have time to be miserable. I’m 30 years old i have to move on and find my life again, but i can’t. Its not fucking fair! goddamnit why can’t i move on? I want to go away for a while, but i can’t. I don’t have the time on my job to run away either. Its like one big fucking joke you know…

Some days i fucking hate my life and myself.


To Evangelical or not to Evangelical?

Ok I’ve heard these new media bywords tossed around for at least 2 years now. The words are “evangelical” and “evangelical Christian“.

Now do i have a problem with these words? I don’t know. Just recently i’ve gotten the feeling that the word has more of a insulting or labeling tone to it. I’m hoping someone can answer my question about these words. Because i don’t want a label that the secular/anti-Christian media will use against us first chance they get. They seem to be gearing for just knife in the back with Mike Huckabee who has suddenly become favorable in their eyes. I also want to know how society sees the evangelical Christian. And if there is some negative connotations to it. I hope to get a lot of comments on this.


A heavy sigh…

is a reminder that all is not right with the world. That all is not fair, nor righteous. I’m not sinking back into depression thankfully. But this post feels as if it will be a burden. I just thought of one of those really great quotes that will last a lifetime! So here it is: “If you really want to change the world. Take the concept of right and wrong, and write them on pieces of paper. Then throw them up into the air and let people pick and choose which ones they want.”

That seems like what we are doing today in so many ways.

I guess the reason for my thinking in this is because of the birth of my cousin’s first child. He is born out of wedlock, just like my nephew is. While her parents wish she had been married, they are happy to be grandparents. But when i asked my cousin about her relationship and the future of her status with the father of the child she was so nonchalant about it all. I came to realize that she didn’t care for the father of the child at all. For her, their relationship was a one-night stand that had produced a child and nothing more. She had been dating him and screwing him for a while but hadn’t expected any of this. And now she just wanted to fade into the background with her new child, and maybe or maybe not let the child’s father come around if she felt he should. But other then that she wasn’t sure what she wanted from him.

Now he isn’t some lovable idiot. I’ve met the guy. He’s 23 (still a kid in my mind) and a pre-med student from Trinidad, who works third shift to pay for school and support himself. He is studying to be a gynecologist. I get the sense that he is interested in my cousin and wants to be part of her life. I hate it for him…because if he ever comes to realize he’s nothing more then the equivalent of a one stand, staying one night too many; he’ll be crushed.

But what i see it all boiling down to is the fact that the child, Jayden, is a bastard. Yes, i said the child is a bastard. The word is no longer as taboo as we would like to think it is. From the 1940s on back into antiquity being called a bastard was one of the most egregious of insults, and even in high society, to call someone a bastard could earn you a quick and brutal death. Now its seen as a insult used on cable television, R-rated movies, and maybe some kind of insult to described an obnoxious male. Well that is the ultimate problem in the era. No one takes the word “bastard” seriously anymore. Did you know that at most 40% of the children born in the United States over the past 20 years are born out of wedlock. Since before the 80’s. People would marry before the baby came just to keep their child from being called a bastard. And now…very few really care.

My dad pointed out somethiing that was kind of disheartening. He said, “Well how do you think it makes your cousin look?” I didn’t want to say it, but in some ways it is true. My cousin Lisa looks like some dumb slut who didn’t know how to use birth control. And she is far from stupid, believe me, she is not some fool. But i would be hard pressed to prove it after what happened. I could argue that she made a mistake, but saying you made a mistake implies that you are truly innocent and had no idea of the consequences of your actions. I know i can’t say that about this situation. I can’t even say that for myself.

I have to admit i do feel kind of lonely in all this. So far two of my cousins on my dad’s side of the family have children out of wedlock, my grandfather (dad’s father, now deceased) has one. My aunt (mother’s youngest sister) has one, he’s grown now. My brother, and now Lisa. Who we all hoped never would end up a statistic. How long before Lisa’s two younger sisters end up knocked up out of wedlock too. (though if you go by statistics it was inevitable that one of them would end up pregnant before marriage) At this rate i will be the only man in my generation of grandkids that has no children, wedlock or otherwise…Well maybe my cousin Monica, she can’t keep a man because she is so shallow and devoid of caring for anyone else, that she won’t keep one long enough to get married, let alone have a kid.

At this point I am at a loss for any more words. It all seems as inevitable as the tides. Eventually most of the children born will be bastards, and the word will no longer be a insult, merely just a nomenclature.



This is something of a continuation of my comment on NakedThoughts web blog. Thanks to her i now know what a “pootananny” is. I had heard the word before but never knew what it meant. I personally find the word vajayay stupid and childish myself. Maybe even a little offense in adult conversation. Why? Because last i checked we’re adults. I think we can say the word “VAGINA” without feeling as if we’ve cursed God’s name. Its funny, when was the last time i heard the words “VAGINA” or “PENIS” in any type of conversation? People in my generation will use slang even in polite conversation. Somehow the words PENIS and VAGINA became dirty words and now we prefer not to use them at all! I’m guilty of it too. But i’ve heard full-blown bull dykes balk at using the two words. Like some fear is brought into existence by saying the words.

I think the words VAGINA and PENIS words which invoke sexual arousal in many people, while the slang does not. Much like full frontal female nudity no longer is shocking, but full frontal male nudity is so shocking its verbroten. Just seeing a guy’s naked butt on TV is enough to bring the FCC down on your head. While i’m not advertising for the uncensored views of the naked body on public television (Lord knows we have enough garbage on TV as is) I do think we as a society need to back away from using slang and coming up with stupid words because we just can’t bring ourselves to use scientific terms or we’re afraid of insulting gay or straight people.

I think we’ve come too far as a society to act like uneducated, superstitious primitives when we speak. Although i will admit i think of something kind of funny when i hear such slang. In Britain the word “fanny” is a slang for the word VAGINA, stemming from the bawdy book by John Cleland. Can you imagine the confusion for Americans when they hear this slang. I imagine old British porn must be confusing. With the actress yelling, “fuck my fanny you big dicked bastard! Fuck my hot, nasty fanny!” The American audience must be thinking, “Damn! That male actor is either a newbie, stupid, or blind as a bat! He’s in the wrong hole!”