When you think God may have answered you.

A few minutes ago i was sitting here at the computer and i got up, thinking about the fact that several people had just liked my posts and maybe even some of my photos.  I was very happy about it but I saw the pictures n their blogs and i was sad because i don’t think I’m as good as they are.  I walked to my door and opened it.  I was thinking about going outside to take some pictures of the moon.  And i was also thinking.  I want to be a better photographer and writer.  I want to be as good as the people who have liked and followed my posts here on this blog.  And that’s when this thought went through my mind, “God wants the same thing for you William, you just need to get off your butt and do it.  You have the time now, don’t give up.”

I was amazed that such a thought came to me.  But i realized just how much of my life i had put off because of that damned paper route.  I know I’m repeating myself but it seems that this needs repeating.  I need to get a job that allows time for me to pursue the things i want in life.  I can find a way to make money, have a good life, and enjoy said life as well.  All i have to do is look for it and try to achieve it.  Well it’s time to get to work!!

Gone is Norma…

I finally ended my friendship with Norma today.  I got a lot of help deciding what i should do thanks to a preacher who lives just a few doors down from me.  I’ve spoken to him before and it was just happenstance that i spoke to him again today.  He told me that i need to walk away from her.  That Norma was becoming toxic, and while my duty from God may be to help others during certain points in their life.  I had done all i could for Norma.  It was time to walk away and give her the boot.  After all, anyone who will take a page out of the Bible and use it to smoke weed, is someone i don’t need to be around.  One thing I’ve come to face with her is that she was the reason for my impotence.  Her behavior and the stress of dealing with her was the cause of it all.  Now i just hope i can move.

Oh who am I kidding I can and will move on.  *sigh*  I may just guilt trip for a few days or maybe a few weeks because of it all.  *sigh*

Deathwatch Ministry…

I met a man of the Death Watch the other day,

He told me it was his ministry.

To each hospital he goes to pray,

To watch over the living and dying every day.

What more to this can i say, other then for this man’s continued health and strength, i do for pray,

For when i first met him that other day, to his niece’s side, for the death watch he was going.

Because she would never see the sunrise of the next day.

I felt like doing a bit of poetry.  I met Rev. Lee on Monday as i was doing my paper route.  He told me his story and i was moved.  It also made me feel bad because i had had a hard time facing my grandmothers death.  She died of Alzheimer’s disease.  But while i don’t envy this man’s ministry, i do envy his strength.  i don’t think I’d have to heart to do what he does.

WilliamCA

Spending some time with my friend.

I have to admit the reasons were a little more personal and selfish, then just wanting to see my friend Mike again. *sigh* Back when i was younger I had a serious crush on my friend Mike. He knew i was bisexual but still accepted me as his best friend. We played around a few times over the years and I was very happy about it. I think i sort of fell in love with Micheal over time but nothing ever came of it. It was such a stupid dream. Mike had been a drug addict, he has no education, and he isn’t very bright. It was the main reason I never truly pushed for a relationship. He was mostly straight and i knew it would never work. Not with all the problems i knew the future might hold for us. I knew i wanted to settle down one day and have kids. There would be no way i could do that with Micheal. I love the man but…well he’s basically a dim-bulb. The years of drug use when he was a teen has basically fried his brain and now, while he has been clean and sober for more the 8 years…well like i said he ain’t much.

We’ve remained close throughout 2o years of friendship and there is nothing i wouldn’t do for him, and he for me. Even though he is now married and his priorities have changed quite a bit. He has a son now, and i can’t stand his wife. I won’t mention her name but she and i clash mainly because of our personalities. But also how she treats Micheal. I still remember that day more then 10 years ago when he told me he had been suddenly kissed by some guy in a restroom in Sears. The details were so vivid. I thought maybe it was a sign. We came pretty close that night but he chickened out and i backed off. two years later i asked him about that night and he admitted to me that he had been high as a kite, and the so-called kiss had been nothing more then a drug-induced hallucination. He still doesn’t know, or understand, how much that hurt. Memories are truly precious things, and to know it was because he was on drugs totally ruins it all in some way. A few days ago i was in the shower and i was once again at a point where i was ready to move on from the depression and misery. Start a new life and start dating again. But something started bothering me. So i went to Micheal to get the answers i needed. I felt I couldn’t move on without them.

We went to a local bar & restaurant, where we chatted it up for about a hour before i plucked up enough courage to ask him my question. I asked him if he had been on drugs during the times we had been intimate, and told him to be truthful. He admitted he had been on drugs every time except for one. Ecstasy. Although through much of those times he had claimed he was clean and sober. I asked why he had fucking lied about that. He said it wasn’t all that serious, that Ecstasy had really helped him when we had been together. I told him he was full of shit, and i hinted his performance had always been lackluster in that department. I asked him if he had been on drugs when we had a threesome with Stacey. He said yes. I was pissed and hurt, but it quickly passed. There was no use in being angry. He asked me if i was truly upset with him. I told him i had been for a moment, but i had actually pushed all those liaisons so I got what i asked for. Shitty sex with my best friend who was a crack addict. But i still told him the fact that he had fucked Stacey when he was on drugs had pissed me off.

I told him the memories were still precious to me, although they were now somewhat tainted. We still ended up laughing about it all. I have to admit, a part of me hurts but I’m glad i know the whole truth now. Did it help me move on? I don’t know. Maybe i don’t care. Maybe God is just giving me my just desserts or something. Payment for my sins and all. *sigh*

But i guess…thats life, filled with beautiful memories and disappointments…

WilliamCA

Comfort Zone with God

I have a friend who has chosen the lesbian lifestyle. And i mean that literally. Over the last two years she has developed a strong faith. And i have to admit i was impressed by it. I even felt bad because i came to realize that my faith seemed a little short compared to the strength of her faith. Now as you know I’m a admitted bisexual. And yes I DO KNOW HOW GOD FEELS ABOUT ALTERNATIVE SEXUALITY. I have accepted that fact, and all that comes with. All i can say is, “I am not perfect.” There’s no need to write about how i can be saved and such. I know the deal, believe me.

But what i want to post about is a sort of shocking revelation that i received a few weeks ago when my friend Tosha and I were talking about a number of things that had happened in my life recently. Airing a lot of feelings out for myself. One thing Tosha told me was that she had always felt that Sara and I were not truly compatible. And that i was willing to sacrifice/risk a lot just to be with her, even marry her. Tosha said that was one of the things that disturbed her about our relationship, that i seemed willing to cast aside some of my more serious beliefs about what i wanted in a wife in order to be with Sara. One of those things was my conviction about my faith. I had went to Sara’s church one Sunday, which is a Unitarian Universalism Church. Tosha was surprised that I had even went. Even she thinks the UUC is a cult. We talked and laughed about it for a little while. And she wondered where someone would get the idea to come up with such a religion and how anyone could follow it. I told her that a lot of people want God on their terms, and are willing to lie to themselves and believe that God is this or that. Or they pick and choose things from the Bible that back up their feelings or their deeds in life and ignore the rest, and use those Scriptures that they pick and choose as the basis to back up their faith when they are challenged.

I quoted a few scriptures that i knew by heart and a few other that i didn’t know too well. And Tosha said she didn’t know most of them. I rattled off a few more and Tosha once again said she didn’t know any of them, hadn’t even heard of them. Now Tosha used to be a church goer, and she on more then one occasion had said these words, “you know in the Bible”. But by the time i was done she had admitted that she had barely even read ANY of the Bible, and what little she had read, she didn’t remember. I was shocked into silence for a moment, i couldn’t think of anything to say.

When i finally reclaimed my voice i realized that Tosha hadn’t truly read anything in the Bible. Now I’m no Biblical scholar, but i know more then the first few lines in Genesis and the book of Revelations, which is all that Tosha knows via paraphrase. Tosha then decided that she wanted to change the topic of the discussion since her girlfriend Casey had come in and sat down beside her. I asked Casey right then and there what she knew of the Bible and her answer, which is typical of her was, “Well uh, i don’t know. (typical) I never really read the Bible either. Now Casey, I understand her ignorance, she is 19 yrs old and I can tell she is not the world’s brightest bulb. I don’t think she’s a fool or anything, but she speaks very little and adds almost nothing.

But Tosha is supposed to have some college education, and have a strong faith, but in the end she is just like those people we were joking about. Having a strong faith but nothing to back it up is very, very bad. And the reason for Tosha’s lack of knowledge was plain and simple. She doesn’t want to face the truth of the choices she has made. I said this much to both of them.

Tosha has her own “Comfort Zone with God.” And in her comfort zone with God, she prays for God, has a strong faith in God, God helps her, and loves her. But she doesn’t have to face her sins either. In fact in her comfort zone her lifestyle probably isn’t very sinful and God is just gonna help her out and she can love him. I don’t know what to think about it, other then i know its wrong. What can or should I say? I’ve decided not to say anything any more. I think she has made it clear that she doesn’t want to deal with it at them moment.

WilliamCA

Final Thoughts on Evangelism.

Well i read Mike Ratcliff’s blog and i found much of what I needed. I should have mentioned long before that I am also saved myself, but i forgot to do so.

So what have I discovered is that the secular/progressive and anti-Christian crowd use the words evangelical Christian as a code word to describe what they see as backwoods, ignorant, gun toting hicks who are uneducated, go to church on Wednesday and Sunday, and have a gunrack in the back of their pick-up trucks. For the more uptown version of the evangelical the SPs laugh even harder. Evangelicals from the city are a bunch of silly 20 something yuppies, who actually have Bible verses in their palm pilots. I remember a woman on television commenting about how her daughter met some one just like this and she had a good laugh at how dumb the poor Christian was. Her daughter was shocked that “people” like this actually existed. The daughter said, “Oh my God i had no idea what an evangelical Christian was like before this. I never thought i’d actually find one!” WTH?

So we have a small but ever growing group of the American public that views any form of serious Christianity as a group of kooks. Unfortunately they run the media and seem to have some sway over Washington. Sometimes it feels like other then Bill O’Reilly only a few other people including myself seem to know whats going on. But that doesn’t mean I’m giving up or anything.

Well…weather I’m regarded as a kook, or some wacko Christian fundamentalist, I will be sticking with God. Its better the hanging out with Barbra Walters and her dumb bimbo of a daughter.

WilliamCA

To Evangelical or not to Evangelical?

Ok I’ve heard these new media bywords tossed around for at least 2 years now. The words are “evangelical” and “evangelical Christian“.

Now do i have a problem with these words? I don’t know. Just recently i’ve gotten the feeling that the word has more of a insulting or labeling tone to it. I’m hoping someone can answer my question about these words. Because i don’t want a label that the secular/anti-Christian media will use against us first chance they get. They seem to be gearing for just knife in the back with Mike Huckabee who has suddenly become favorable in their eyes. I also want to know how society sees the evangelical Christian. And if there is some negative connotations to it. I hope to get a lot of comments on this.

WilliamCA