Emotional Roller-coaster for Thanksgiving.

Well as the title states it was a hell of a ride for Thanksgiving and beyond.  A couple of days before Thanksgiving I traveled with my parents by car to Ohio to be with my brother’s family for Thanksgiving.  We stayed from Tuesday to Saturday, making it back around 5 pm Saturday.  I took all sorts of pictures and played with my baby nephew who has just begun walking over the last month.  He takes a few steps and then falls over.  Its a good laugh and we all cheer him on as he looks at us with a big grin on his face!

But on the day we left to go to Ohio i got a call around 4 Am from my friend Tasha.  Her ex-husband and father of her two children had died just a couple of hours before she called me.  I was trapped between staying in town to comfort her or go with my family.  As you can see from reading above, i decided to go with my family, i had already made the commitment.

On the way home i also realized that i had either a really bad cold or the flu because i felt like crap the whole way home.  Saturday night i had chills.  I managed to make it to the funeral on Sunday afternoon and back home.  The funeral was a somber affair, i won’t go into details about how Fred died, but suffice to say it was sad none the less.  After that for about 3 days more i was battling whatever i had until i felt better.  And during those three days i had cousins asking for rides and such, i was not in a good mood, but i made it through.  On Tuesday i went to the doctor to ask about the ASG and how long i was supposed to wear the thing.  The nurse couldn’t give me a straight answer.  Although she did suggest that i should wear it when i had a need to.  At that time i took that advice to mean i had to figure it out for myself, since she apparently could not or did not ask the doctor since he was not there.  So i decided not to wear the ASG anymore since i felt i didn’t need it.

That idea lasted all of 3 days when i began to feel some tenderness and soreness in my right testicle again.  So i have been wearing the ASG on and off.  The thing is so damned uncomfortable though, so i wear it sparingly.  I finally decided to order something better online, cost me a total of twelve bucks for one pair on Amazon.  Although to be honest some of the sexy stuff looks a lot more comfortable, I just feel too embarrassed to even order the stuff, let alone wear it.  After i have all my bills sorted out though i may order another pair.  Just to have two comfortable pairs instead of one.

Beyond that I have a appoint with the urologist on the 7th of January.  I wonder why i have to wait so long.

Three funerals in one month

wow….*sigh*  Where to begin with it all.  Well it started early this month.  A friend of the family died, basically from old age.  And i went to that funeral.  I was kind of shaken by this funeral, even though i had known the end was coming.  Her death still seemed to be at the wrong time, and now that i look back on it, a bad omen.

Two weeks later i got word from my parents that my cousin’s husband, my cousin-in-law was in the hospital and his condition was grim.  He had apparently had a heart attack right after he had saved his wife and another cousin of mine from drowning at the beach.  The hope was that he would pull through, but as my parents told me of some of the specifics of his condition, i had a really bad feeling that he wasn’t going to make it.  Two days later, he died, and were going to the funeral three days later.  The funeral was hard on a lot of my family.  My cousin-in-law was only 40 years old, he was too young to pass away.

During the days in between my cousin-in-laws death and his funeral we received word that my aunt’s father had died suddenly.  Quite literally he was to be buried the day after my cousin-in-law’s funeral.  Suffice to say I was somewhat shaken by all this.  Bad things come in threes, and three funerals in one month is something that is really bad.

It’s been four days since the last funeral, and i have to admit i am glad this is all over.  Only one week left in this month, and i pray we can get through it without another death in my family.

Done with Tosha…for now.

On Saturday Tosha came by and spoke to me.  She was visiting Casey’s family.  I explained things and that was it.  She told me she just wanted to love me as a friend and that we weren’t compatible.  And i realize that she is right.  Tosha is looking for some kind of bombastic stud who is not interested in settling down and will allow her to run about, to fail, and let her try.  That’s nice, but men cannot live like that.  I don’t feel like talking about anymore.  *sigh*  I may never speak to her again.  Not because i am angry, but it still hurts a lot.  And I know she understands .  Oh and her name is spelled Tasha.

Dreaming My Way Home…

I’ve been listening to this song a number of times since i burned it onto a CD. I haven’t had a song truly move me in a while but this song has done so. It kinda makes me angry that it moves me so much. But it does. It brings back a lot of good, sad memories. Its funny because the song fits the ending of Final Fantasy XII better then Rouge Galaxy. Which is where i thought i had it from. But i’ve been listening to it on and off all day today and it’s made me cry at least once. It brings back a lot of good memories with Stacey and even some with Sarah. *sigh*


Tired and angry…

I don’t know why. I want to scream, rave, rant, and fucking curse. It just doesn’t feel fair. i’m not over things yet. I was at the club and while I’m not really the mingling type. I was almost totally anti-social, which is no surprise I’m almost always like that at clubs. I just sat at the electronic games and put in a few dollars. After about 45 minutes i got up and started walking around. It got worse, i started feeling resentment to the couples and the friends having a good time. I realized i can truly count the number of times on two hands i’ve actually had fun at a club. Today i clicked on a link to one of my comments and i saw a picture of the girl who commented. I had been thinking on writing her personally but she looks so much like Stacey in someways…I couldn’t bring myself to make a comment. I still can’t. I thought about her when i was at the club and how i’ve seen two other girls that look like Stacey over the last few weeks and how at the club i sometimes look for Sara to show up and i just became so miserable that I left. I was almost in tears.

Why am i not over this yet? A part of me feels i don’t have time to be miserable. I’m 30 years old i have to move on and find my life again, but i can’t. Its not fucking fair! goddamnit why can’t i move on? I want to go away for a while, but i can’t. I don’t have the time on my job to run away either. Its like one big fucking joke you know…

Some days i fucking hate my life and myself.


The long walk back.

So what’s been going on since Nov. 11? I’ve been drinking like a fish and wallowing in my own misery. I had no idea what grieving and feeling sorry for myself could goad me into doing. When Sarah broke up with me I started drinking so I could feel something. I’ve always had this problem with feeling things in any sense or form. I’ve only been to one funeral where i can remember actually, truly feeling grief that the person was dead. And that was my Uncle Pete. Stacey was the first person i ever seriously mourned, and it hit me so hard. Especially after having found out a number of things that blew me away. A number of facts that made me realize that Stacey may have been lying to me for at least a year. It all hurt a lot. And i was drinking trying to help myself sort things out, and deal with my own anger. I realize now what i really need to do is go back to church. I’ve pulled away from the drinking and misery seeking so i can look upon things alot better. And hopefully i can start going ot church again soon.



I want to thank Nakedthoughts for her condolences through all this. The really sad thing is she was the “One” for me. She was interested in nudism too. Tomorrow i go to meet her mother and brother again. I think i’m going through that denial stage. I keep finding my mind wandering to these pathetic fantasies that when i get there Stacey will suddenly reveal herself and I’ll discover it some kind of crazy plan like witness protection or something. But i know that won’t happen. At least i keep telling myself that.